Homo-genized – My New Boyfriend

“STRAIGHT. It’s the new GAY”

I’ve never heard of Steve Hughes before coming across this clip posted by one of my Facebook groups, WIPEOUT HOMOPHOBIA ON FACEBOOK, and according to his Wikipedia page, he was a member/founder of various thrash metal bands through the 80s and 90s in his native Australia. Such genre bands are not exactly the bastions of thought-provoking tolerance, nor, I surmise, fun-loving, daffy, slap-my-knee hilarious all-inclusive jesters. Knowing his history after-the-fact, it came as a delightful surprise at how funny Hughes is. After watching this clip, I found myself spelunking YouTube for other Hughes posts, which are aplenty, and I’ve been laughing all morning.

In this clip, focusing on the hard-edged, fag-bashing culture that is Thrash Metal, the heterosexual Hughes makes the brilliant distinction between what is considered to be “gay” and what constitutes pure masculinity. You might be surprised at how correct he is.

Could “That’s so straight!” be the new “That’s so gay!”? Or as Hughes more steadfastly puts it, “Straight. It’s the new gay.”

Reel Life: Got Milk?

Yep! Finally, after vetoing it in the past, stating that slain San Francisco Supervisor Harvey Milk should be honored locally, Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger signed a bill recognizing May 22 (Milk’s birthday) as “Harvey Milk Day” in the state of California. This comes almost two months to the day after President Barack Obama posthumously awarded Milk (and 15 other recipients) the Presidential Medal Of Freedom.

Sean Penn, as you know, won a much-deserved Oscar for his monumental portrayal of Milk in Gus Van Sant’s great MILK. The film also won an Oscar for screenwriter Dustin Lance Black, who gave a moving acceptance speech (watch it after Penn’s below. The official Oscar page on YouTube doesn’t allow videos to be embedded, so click on the link within the frame to watch both speeches).

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Also, Schwarzenegger signed Senate Bill 54, a measure that recognizes gay marriages that were performed out-of-state:

“The bill provides the same legal protections that would otherwise be available to couples that enter into civil unions or domestic partnerships out-of-state. In short, this measure honors the will of the people in enacting Proposition 8 while providing important protections to those unions legally entered into in other states.”

After the despicable PROP 8 passed last November, Californians finally have something to celebrate.

Dear God, Are You There? It’s Me, Jeffrey. Hello? Knock Knock!

Years ago, after the heinous Dr. Laura Schlessinger spewed her typical anti-gay rhetoric on the masses via her call-in radio show, an online “Dear Dr. Laura” letter was written inquiring about other biblical no-no’s. The “Dr. Laura” was changed to “Dear President Bush” when George Jr. used gay marriage as a platform to rile the religious fanatics, which was instrumental in his historically disastrous re-election.

It’s 2009, and it boggles the senses that there are still far too many homophobic, persnickety lil’ curmudgeons that this “Dear XXXX” can be forwarded to – while equality has progressed leaps and bounds in the past few years (marriage notwithstanding), its greatest foes remain those who will prostitute their lord’s name to promote their hateful agenda.

So, instead of asking Dr. Laura or Georgie boy, or hate-monger Maggie Gallagher of the hate-group iMAPP, or the detestable, demented Michelle Bachmann of Planet Ineedacatscan, or pageant contestant/mental mooncalf Carrie Prejean and her pimps at NOM, I decided to go to the big imaginary source in the sky himself. I mean, why siphon his message through such acrimonious channels? Isn’t God all about loving thy neighbor and blah blah blah?

I reworded most – and switched around the original sequences – of that “Dr. Laura” letter and was about to send this message to God myself when I realized I don’t have his e-mail address. Hmmm, I don’t even have his snail-mail address. Then I realized, he IS the almighty, and I am sure he reads Mynewboyfriend.com, so if I merely click my heels three times, or perhaps just press PUBLISH, He’ll just…know! Ta dah!

I took it upon myself to add links to the notated biblical versions. You know, in case God had any momentary lapse of memory for what he actually said. I know! I’m such a good atheist!

Dear God,

Thank you for allowing your denizens here on Earth to educate people regarding your laws. I have learned a great deal from them, and I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can, even when it’s filled with hatred for me. When I try to defend my homosexual “lifestyle”, for example, they simply remind me that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate, right? I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of your more specific laws and how to best follow them.

I have friends with the tendency to curse…a lot. Is it really necessary that we go through the trouble of getting my whole town together to stone them? I mean besides it being your Numero Uno commandment, you state it again in Lev.24:16, so I’m not sure what they expected, ya know? But couldn’t we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws (Lev.20:14)? I know, I know. Ew.
When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice (and to be honest, the only bull I’ve burned wasn’t sacrificial, unless you count an all-American July 4th BBQ an immolation to the flag), I know it creates a pleasing odor for you, my Lord (Lev. 1:9). The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. How should I deal with this?
If I had one, I’m not so sure I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as it suggests in Exodus 21:7. But I have a few nieces – does that count? And in these modern times, with the economy in the toilet, plus factoring in 2000 years of inflation, what do you think would be a fair price for her?
I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev. 15:19-24) which is a-ok by me since my “problem” is the aforementioned Lev.18:22. The problem is my straight male friends. How do they bring this sensitive subject up in post-dinner, pre-coital conversation? They’ve tried asking, but as you’d expect, most women take offense.
Lev. 25:44 states that I may buy slaves from the pagan nations that are around us. Being geographically retarded as I am, a friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans but not Canadians. Can you clarify?
I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself? I don’t mind really…he’s kind of a human hemorrhoid, if you know what I mean…
A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination (Lev. 11:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don’t agree (obviously!). Can you settle this?
Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God (that would be you, sir) if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear prescription glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here? I mean, they’re really hot Kio Yamato frames and I must admit I look fab in them. You should see me! Oh, wait! Silly me!
Lev. 19:27 says that a man can’t get his hair or beard trimmed. My Lord, have you SEEN me unkempt? It ain’t pretty…can you make an exception? For me?
I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching/eating the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but if I actually wanted to (which I never do), may I still play football if I wear gloves? And is eating a post-game pork chop thus an abomination?
My uncle has a farm. Okay, not really, but for the sake of inquisition let’s say he does. And let’s say he violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife (my imaginary aunt) by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (polyester/cotton blend – not exactly the fabric of our lives). What do we do with them?

You know, God, I have so many other questions for you, but I don’t wanna weigh you down with too much. I mean, it IS Sunday, and as we all know, it’s your day of relaxing in the, uh, sun.

While I know your earthly mouthpieces have studied these things extensively as they have learned at your most divine feet, so far they ain’t answering. So I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that your word is eternal and unchanging.

I’ll be waiting on your response. But, please, take your time. No rush.

Love, Jeffrey~

Not Second Class Citizens

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I could not be in Washington on this historic day but my spirit resides within – and stands tall aside – the over 250K TRUE AMERICANS who marched together for the undeniable right to marry who they love.

Fight on, my fellow TRUE AMERICANS. We WILL win – against the serrated homophobes entrenched in their own vitriol; against the vile hatred of the demagogue’s on the right (and left); against the true ANTI-AMERICANS who don’t believe in justice and equality for all and who mangle and twist history and truth for their own evil schema; against the religious zealots who claim to know what their God is thinking, by transcribing ancient scrolls written thousands of years ago, encapsulated within 10 Commandments that not only do NOT mention homosexuality, but whose very existence is negated by the fact that the majority of humans have broken them, ten-thousandfold (it’s nice to know that if I AM going to a place called ‘hell’ for being gay, I’ll be in the company of every man and woman who has ever said “Goddamn it”. That’s the very first of these commandments).

Marriage equality WILL be realized, if not today, perhaps tomorrow – perchance next week, next year or the year after that. But we will win. Equality will happen. We will victor against those Bible-thumpers who claim it is God Himself who is against us, conveniently forgetting that in that same book they reference and hold up to the heavens in phony self-righteousness, slavery is sanctioned, eating shellfish is an abomination, and working on the Sabbath is punishable by death.

It was Noah Webster who added the term “man and woman” to the definition of “marriage”, thereby changing the course of history by invoking Biblical invocations to alter what was historically never gender-specific. Logically and humanely, by 2009, every major English dictionary either changed such specifications, or added secondary supplements to reinstate the original definition.

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How apropos that this march on Washington falls on National Coming Out day. If every gay man and woman were brave enough to step out of their dark, dank, scary little closets then conceivably these equal rights marches would become obsolete. And, just think of the mammoth effect/affect if, even for one single day, every LGBT man or woman would go on strike – stop working for a single day! Not only would the American economy come to (that oft-used cliché) a screeching halt, but the military would fall to pieces and Washington would cease to function.

Such a mammoth undertaking might seem naive or far-reaching or an ideal too prodigious to attempt. I understand, but it would only help to hammer the inalienable fact that WE ARE NOT SECOND CLASS CITIZENS!

Marriage equality WILL be realized, if not today, perhaps tomorrow – perchance next week, next year or the year after that. But we will win. Equality will happen.

Equality will happen.

Music Box: All You Single Ladies…Don’t Bother

Despite lyrics that sing, “There’s a she-wolf in your closet, open up and let her free…let it out so it can breathe…” there’s nothing closeted here. What makes Andrew Foster’s proudly gay, almost frame-for-frame cover of Shakira’s totally stupid “She-Wolf” video so refreshing is that, where Shakira took her unintentionally hilarious choreography way too seriously (which, considering how disjointed and spastic it was/is, elevates the funny even more), Foster has no illusions of grandeur: he knows he’s emaciated, goofy, a bad lip-syncer, and about as sexy a dancer as skidmarks on a tutu.

This isn’t genius, of course, but unlike most video homages/tributes that have polluted YouTube these past few years, at the very least it’s enjoyable on those levels.

And at the very least, it has to be more entertaining than the upcoming werewolf-saturated “Twilight” sequel, no?

Happy Birthday Uncle Abe, Darwinism and the Devolution of Me

(See below to ‘devolve’ yourself!)

Yep, Abe Lincoln was/is my great, great, great gay/bisexual uncle, via marriage. Don’t laugh. While I never researched the truth in that – the ‘uncle’ aspect, not the ‘gay’ facet – I figured why would my mother lie for all those years ago about my heritage? I know, I know…with the internet in its second decade, you’d surmise that I would at least attempt to uncover the lineage. But, supposedly, her great grandmother’s sister was Mary Todd Lincoln.

As for the gay speculation, there’s more than enough evidence to suggest that Abe’s obsession with the theater had less to do than merely it being that era’s main source of entertainment. You can read about it HERE or HERE.

But that’s neither here nor there. Today marks Abe’s 200^th birthday, so Happy Birthday, Uncle Abe.

And, it is also the 200th birthday of Charles Darwin:

Sharing that bicentennial birthday milestone comes with some depressing news for Chuck – appallingly, only 39% OF AMERICANS BELIEVE IN EVOLUTION! THIRTY-NINE PERCENT!

Here how it breaks down:

So, 25% of Americans are total brain-atrophying idiots and 36% are brain-sterile cuckoos. At least the 1% stayed true to themselves and didn’t respond. It boggles te darkest caverns of the mind that in 2009, there are THAT many people who still we dreived from Adam and his rib-made companion, Eve. Oy.

Anyway…in the true spirit of Darwinism, I came across this funky ‘devolution’ website, via TOWLEROAD. You can ‘devolve’ your self by uploading a pic into their interface. Here’s what I would have looked like 3.2 million years ago during the Australopithecus afarensis era (or after I wake up after a 13-hour sleepathon on any given Sunday):

Damn, I’m still so strappingly handsome, ain’t I?

Devolve yourself HERE!