Music Box Report Card: 2012’s Baker’s Dozen vs. Dirty Dozen

Without much commentary (these aren’t full reviews, after all, rather succinct/impetuous – depending on who you ask – musings), I’m always loathe to list my favorites in any particular order – I’ve lived with each of these albums more than any other throughout the year, so it’s hard to commit to such a limited inventory. So take the order of the listing merely as what pops into my head while typing. Save for the first three of four, which if I had to choose would be my Top 3 or 4, all equally warrant your attention. (Same can be said for the shit way below.)


Baker’s Dozen Plus: My Favorite Albums of 2012

LOUDON WAINWRIGHT III Older Than My Old Man Now  The ghosts surround Wainwright on his latest collection; the ghosts of his old man, the specter of a former sex life, the ectoplasm of his failed marriages and the brokenness of his relationship with his children, and the ghost of mortality itself. With his only peers probably Dylan and Cohen – though his sense of humour has always surpassed their dour sensibilities – no one else has ever dared create a cycle of historical familial strife so funny, pungent, bittersweet, and obvious, while employing said family on the cycle itself.

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EMELI SANDE Over Version Of Events  As with any great modern singer, the influences only inspire, and as with any great soul singer, that inspiration is divine. While miniscule British imports abound on the charts and over the airwaves, Sande’s American near-anonymity is a crime.

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FUN. Some Nights  A hook-infused smorgasbord of melodious, bombastic choruses, cryptic sweeping verses, self-help placards, and Nate Ruess’ glorious range and tone – the singular male vocalist of the year. An exhilarating exercise in grandiosity.

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PINK The Truth About Love  She morphed from the next evolution of teen pop to steadfast hitmaker – and songwriter extraordinaire – four albums ago. What makes The Truth About Love almost perfect is the way it makes us wonder if these 13 tracks are autobiographical or if she’s merely an oracle for today’s women-on-the-verge. Then of course, there’s that voice.

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KENDRICK LAMAR good kid, m.A.A.d city  A documentary of potency and importance, the narrative is deep, the stories resonant, and the skill sonorous, this is the ‘concept’ album (or “short film” as he titled it) of the year in a year littered with throwaways and ringtone rap. With his riveting eye and pen, Lamar raises a bar that desperately needed raising.

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IRIS DEMENT Sing The Delta  After 15 years – following a great debut with two classics (Infamous Angel, My Life and The Way I Should respectively) and a curious 2004 gospel-tinged covers collection (Lifeline) – DeMent has no grand proclamations to make, rather her still-perfect drawl settles on the simplicity of her own self. More gorgeous, more cerebral, more breathtaking with each listen.

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SPOEK MATHAMBO Father Creeper Epochal collection from talented Johannesburg wordsmith. The amalgamation of hip hop, electronica, rock and rap and dubstep is intentionally dizzying and despaired, brutal and beautiful – like the tales he weaves throughout this exceptional album.

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TODD SNIDER Agnostic Hymns & Stoner Fables  A more valid source for political commentary than any legit news source and that’s probably not what Snider wants to hear; he’s first a master storyteller  – and a damned-well sardonically brilliant one at that – documenting our humanity, or lack thereof, more precisely, and more hilariously, than none other.

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FRANK OCEAN channel ORANGE  After self-releasing his masterpiece nostagiaULTA last year (my favorite album of 2011), channel ORANGE became the cause celebre of 2012 and deserving of all it’s accolades, Ocean has created an intense, formless, brave and archetypal collection – for a modern Soul maestro still sojourning his way to nirvana, it’s visionary.

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SINEAD O’CONNOR How About I Be Me (And You Be You)  Sadly mostly a tabloid footnote in the decades since she jettisoned into the public consciousness, this is her most striking, haunting, gorgeous and coherent since then. There’s still that voice, aged but still both ethereal and a mammoth force of nature, and there are the songs themselves, confessionals (of course), private but universal.

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BRUNO MARS Unorthodox Jukebox  Circumventing the sophomore slump is a prodigious task when the debut is an indelibleclassic. But Unorthox Jukebox is another slice of musical heaven, a collection of dance-pop masters, Soul tour-de-forces, and a soupcon of disco-infused gems.

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FIONA APPLE The Idler Wheel Is Wiser Than the Driver of the Screw and Whipping Cords Will Serve You More Than Ropes Will Ever Do  Were we really ready for a mature, fully realized Fiona Apple release? Sure, the vagaries of her pen often need cryptanalysis, but as it flows and coalesces, it’s epiphanous. And she never panders to anyone, least of all herself – she rarely, if ever, sounded so sure, so potent while singing about uncertainty, jealousy, obsession, solitude or revenge.

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BETTYE LAVETTE Thankful N’ Thoughtful  A half-century into this, and almost a decade into her renaissance, LaVette hasn’t dissipated her intensity, her funk or her master interpretations. Her Soul – and soul – aches and thrives.

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Honorable Mentions:

SOLANGE True / AZEALIA BANKS 1991 (tie) It might be cheating summing these up as a tie, but since they’re both EPs (7 and 4 tracks, respectively) I’ll do as I deem worthy. If longevity escapes Banks, it would be a shame – not only does she possess the mightiest skills of any rapper this year, but her dextrous wordplay would give the most seasoned pro pause. Sure, she’s a potty mouth. That’s called love. Solange, dimmed in the spotlight of her megastar sister (that would be Beyonce, to the uninformed) and her long-time collaborator, Dev Hynes, crystallize the past and the future with the present; he supplies the grooves that coalesce, but they wouldn’t be as sumptuous without her perfectly, intentionally restrained vocals. “True” is a precursor to a full-lengther that drops in January. If it’s half as determined and realized, it’ll be worthy come award season. And, also:

ADAM LAMBERT Trespassing, JAPANDROIDS Celebration Rock, PATTI SMITH Banga, BETH HART Bang Bang Boom Boom (import – the domestic release drops in April 2013), BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN Wrecking Ball, MIGUEL Kaleidoscope Dream, MADONNA MDNA, NEIL YOUNG Americana, AMADOU & MARIAM Folia, MACY GRAY Covered, LEONARD COHEN Old Ideas

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Dirty Dozen: The 12 Worst Albums of 2012

CHRIS BROWN Fortune  Sometimes you have to separate the ‘art’ from the ‘artist’ and judge the work independently. But when a supercilious shithead (consistently) releases execrable shit, then all bets are off.

CHRISTINA AGUILERA Lotus  A cacophonous, tuneless assortment only her fans could love. (Hey, where are her fans?)

CARRIE UNDERWOOD Blown Away  Four – count ’em four – duds in a row for this shrill chanteuse, this isn’t her usual apocryphal shit for Country fans – it’s an emboldened (in theory, at least) manufactured pop machination masqueraded as country-politan dreck for the beyond-Idol audience of her dreams. And those arena-rock fantasies have been fulfilled. That’s okay, though. Artistically, she’ll never be Miranda Lambert.

MAROON 5 Overexposed  A decade ago, Adam Levine forged his Stevie Wonder delusions, selling blanched white R&B-influenced pop wholesale. Soon thereafter, he laboriously morphed his group into an auto-tuned homologous dance bad, indistinguishable from the consortium of such ilk, with Levine’s ubiquity the key ingredient to their charting mainstay, as this collection of atonal musings solidifies. Consumer fraud alert.

RACHEL MCFARLAND Haley Sings  Big brother Seth’s “Music Is Better Than Words” was passionless, (unintentionally) hilarious, and wan. Apparently bequeathed traits. Particularly when sung by a cartoon character.

TRAIN California 37  Tolerable as a singles act (with the eternal “Drops Of Jupiter” their crest), they’ve defined corporate pop-rock for years. But who would’ve thought that a departing guitarist would relegate them to the dustbins? No hook in sight by a California mile.

KREAYSHAWN Something Bout Kreay  Subbasement white-girl (c)rap mixed with bargain-basement production, she blessedly managed to diminish a guaranteed 15 Minutes of Fame into about 8, maybe 9. Good riddance.

GEOFF TATE Kings and Thieves  At least, back in the day, Tate’s vacuous voice evoked a yearn to escape the lunkhead metal of his sub-genre, he now sounds like complete shit – which would be okay if the material best suited his goal. Self-parody is never sadder when derived from the already parodied world from whence you came. I mean, come on! Wasn’t Queensryche jokey enough?

OWL CITY The Midsummer Station  Adam Young’s offensive Ben Gibbard For Morons has long outlasted his (un)welcome; he’d be a full-blown menace to society if anyone cared enough to purchase – or buy into – his shit.

ONE DIRECTION Take Me Home  I don’t object Simon Cowell’s crass commercialism – hell, every “boy band” from the Monkees to Backstreet Boys was manufactured for mass appeal. It’s 1Ds passionless readings of even the most banal lyrics that’s most offensive. One-ups their debut in chutzpah, though.

AEROSMITH Music From Another Dimension  With the promise to the return of their signature style, I was disappointed with the news – sure, their drug-induced canon created some great American rock n roll in the 70s, but there’s a special place in my heart for their cheesey comeback for the ages that started in the late 80s, which cross-channeled sexy geezer attitude with bubblegum MTV pop to varying degrees of delicious audacity. Then, as their stars faded once again, Tyler found Nigel Lythgoe and after two heinous seasons as the resident perverted sycophant, which included a solo atrocity even Idol wannabes scoffed at, they release what I pray is the final stopgap into the catacombs of history. Whose, title, by the way, is the most misleading in their existence.

WILSON PHILLIPS Dedicated Lifeless necrophilia masqueraded as parental homage.

Music Box Report Card: Baker’s Dozen 2010 – The Beauties (…and the Beasts…)

When it comes to music – as well as other art forms – I often depend on trusted sources to enlighten me. Friends, of course, are key. I’ll also spelunk the internet, read music journalists I admire, and even browse iTunes – all to turn me on to something new and exciting. The fact that I receive hundreds of free CDs a year thanks to the field I work in doesn’t hurt either, naturally.

But I must be getting crotchety in my old age because 2010 was the second lightest listening year for me in a row. As in 2009, where I barely heard 100 new releases, the sum in 2010 hasn’t been much higher. I can’t explain the lack of enthusiasm, either,  other than that in this year, impetus became impotent – my lack of fervor grew as my impatience doubled and my frustrations tripled in what little seek-and-find transpired.

Why? Well, because while perusing – or, mostly, browsing (and there is a difference) – the musical blogosphere – as well as word-of-mouth recommendations from the aforementioned other sources, in 2010 I’ve been prescribed an overt quantity of self-indulgent, self-important, head-scratchers. A lot of which was, well…crap.

I mean, historically, my tastes in music never skewered toward anything other than, well, my tastes, which are seeped in diverse genres. I can’t loath an album – nor worship it – merely because it’s the hip thing to do., or because it reached #1 on Billboard.  That’s why I can’t ever really be a critic. Or, say, write for (hipster bible) Pitchfork. But then again, it’s never been my will or desire to adhere to a New Hipster Order, and if that explains my near-depleted motivation, so be it.

Perhaps I’m missing out, one might argue, by disallowing myself the openness and expansion of my musical mind and palate. Please – that’s a moot point because I don’t disallow myself from what is my aesthete.  My distaste can’t (always) be attributed to a Pitchfork recommendation. For example, their top CD of the year actually made MY very own Baker’s Dozen (Kanye), as well as another Top 10er (Vampire Weekend).

However, that only one other Top 20 “finalist” (Janelle Monae) made my list too is, sadly, indicative to my frustration. And I tried, really, I tried. But of the other 17 releases that landed on their Top 20 and the dozen or so I actually attempted, I could barely make it through half the tracks of each individual CD before I threw my hands up in the air in abstract awe and gave up (best not to mention the bulk of their Top 50…)

I know, I know – I’ve often repeated the mantra that a voice that touches a listener is a personal matter and any such listener shouldn’t be derided for their tastes. And what is ‘taste’ other than someone’s opinion? And who the hell am I – or, are you – to cancel out someone’s emotional connection? If I had a dollar for every Facebook post from one of my queenliest friends, boasting orgasmic adoration for artists I consider monumental earworms (Britney Spears, Katy Perry, Ke$ha, etc), well, I’d have enough money to buy Facebook from Mark Zuckerberg. Nope, all we have is our opinion (I’ve certainly got mine – and have been disparaged as a negative Nellie for it on Facebook because more-often-than-not, it’s the negative forces that push my passion).

One might surmise that I’m doing exactly what I deride against by my seeming disparagement of Pitchfork. But, that’s not my intent. For one, there was no objective to single out Pitchfork – I could have easily said Brooklyn Vegan or Music Snobbery or Stereogum or even the Village Voice – or any various other such music blogs. And I’m sure they’re all proud of their snooty reputations. To be honest, I’m too stupid to understand a helluva lot of what Pitchfork’s writers pontificate. Who knows…maybe I’m just getting too damned old to care anymore. Or too feeble to grasp.

However, not being one to give up tooooo easily, I decided to use Metacritic.com an alternative barometer. They do, after all, collate thousands of reviews from countless sources, thus no agenda. And, I’ll be damned! I was surprised to find how much in common I actually indeed have with many “critics” – many titles that made the 2010 inventory of best-reviewed releases match more than just a few of my own!

Wow! Maybe I actually could be a critic if I so deemed!

I just can’t write for Pitchfork. Or Brooklyn Vegan. Or…oh, you get the idea.

So, here, in no particular order of importance or gratitude (save for WELDER), are my baker’s dozen – the most pleasurable times I’ve had this year immersed within my headphones (the Beauties…). Followed by the most painful (the Beasts)…

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The Beauties…


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…the Beasts…

Lee DeWyze | Live It Up
Christina Aguilera | Bionic
Lady Antebellum | Need You Now
Santana | Guitar Heaven: The Greatest Guitar Classics Of All Time
Sarah McLachlan | Laws Of Illusion
Linkin Park | A Thousand Suns
Sting | Symphonicities
Toni Braxton | Pulse
MGMT | Congratulations
Susan Boyle | The Gift

Music Box Report Card: 2009 ~ La Belle…et La Betes…

Hasn’t been a stellar year for CDs. Well, rather than blame the output, I’ll blame myself.  It hasn’t been a year I’ve spent hunting or gathering or submerging myself in new music. Whereas, in any given year, I’d hear hundreds of new releases, I’ve barely reached the one hundred mark in 2009.  And the copious amount of hours spent between my headphones didn’t result in too many glorious moments.  Except these.  Here are my twenty favorite moments of musical bliss for the year…the beauty…followed by the beasts…

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LA BELLE

1 K’Naan – Troubadour

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2 Amadou & Mariam – Welcome To Mali

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3 Brad Paisley – American Saturday Night

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4 Maxwell – BLACKsummers’night

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5 Leonard Cohen – Live In London

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6 Neko Case – Middle Cyclone

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7 Antony & The Johnsons – The Crying Light

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8 Marianne Faithfull – Easy Come Easy Go

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9 Animal Collective – Merriweather Post Pavilion

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10 Melinda Doolittle – Coming Back To You

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11 Girls – Album

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12 Nirvana – Live At Reading

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13 Willie Nelson & Asleep At The Wheel – Willie and the Wheel

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14 Nellie McKay – Normal As Blueberry Pie: A Tribute To Doris Day

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15 The xx – The xx

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16 Pearl Jam – Backspacer

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17 Miranda Lambert – Revolution

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18 The Dirty Projectors – Bitte Orca

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19 The Avett Brothers – I and Love and You

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20 Mos Def – The Ecstatic

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ET LA BETE

1 Mariah Carey – Memoirs Of An Imperfect Angel

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2 Bon Jovi – The Circle


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3 Rob Thomas – Cradlesong

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4 Chris Cornell – Scream

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5 Eminem – Relapse

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6 Rascal Flatts – Greataest Hits Volume 1

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7 Chris Brown – Graffiti

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8 Asher Roth – Asleep In The Bread Aisle

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9 U2 – No Line On The Horizon

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10 Timbaland – Shock Value 2

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Hopefully it’s not too much to ask for a better 2010~

Music Box Report Card: The Worst Albums of 2005

Last week I posted my favorite CDs of 2005. And while it’s a hard task (I mean, who wants to intentionally revisit painful memories?), here are the worst musical experiences of my 2005.

1 IL DIVO Il Divo So, Simon Cowell searches the globe for the best opera singers he could find and all we get is this lousy hairshirt?  Four quasi-talented vocalists with faces right out of gay porn?  Their proclivity is toward the house-frau demographic, like an adult Backstreet Boys reunion tour, only the sounds are straight out of Muzak heaven (hell), each pretentious over-melodramatic dirge more consistently inharmonious than the next.   Clay Aiken is Pavarotti by comparison, Lindsay Lohan is Aretha Franklin.  Howlingly misguided, terminally ill-fated.  It will make a fortune.

2 STAIND Chapter IV How could the powers-that-be possibly believe that lunkhead metal from five years ago would have an iota of relevance in 2005?  Aaron Lewis over-emotes more than Chris Carrabba, while the crunching of the chords and the smashing of the drums give their teenage fan base all the reason in the world to believe the lies.  But the dullards who buy into this are the same dimwits first on line in the I Hate Emo bandwagon, the ‘Boy Bands Suck’ collective.  Well, kids, this emo Boy Band sucks too.

3 CELTIC WOMEN Celtic Woman The most revolting piece of Irish drivel since the onslaught of the Enya, this dreary, detestable piece of Irish goop inches slowly up to gold status thanks in no small part to the profusion of PBS. Their animism naive, and the soft-core eroticism snares the male demographic for all its perky refrain. Eire de Toilette indeed.

4 ENYA  Amarantine Almost a year after it’s initial release, and because of the horror of September 11, this hack “singer” [yeah, right] / “songwriter” [oh, please] had the biggest selling piece of tripe of her career with the abhorrent A DAY WITHOUT RAIN, a dismal discord of synths and ooze that the world seemed to grasp onto as a sign of distorted comfort.  Well, she’s baaaack…and as imprudent as ever.  More quasi-Celtic schmaltz coalesced with her archaic wheeze of a voice, it took 5 years to come up with this monstrosity.  She might need a new 9/11.

5 BACKSTREET BOYS Never Gone  Driving the line between has-been stardom and ersatz nostalgia, this painful redux into the lost art of ‘boy bands’ couldn’t be more blatantly manipulative, right down to the almost indistinguishable videos, to the uneven mix of hideous ballads and up-tempo dirges.  What made these boys [men] so irresistible before were their inherent urges to bestow beauty on the landscape.  MILLENNIUM was a teen near-classic based on 4 of the first 5 cuts alone, with their ethereal vocal flourishes wafting you toward reverie signifying nothing but pulchritude.  Here, the gasping of the voices, the pretentiousness of each trying to out-sing the other, and the song selection prove this to be a fatal error in judgment.  What could have been a growing up process morphed into the 3rd coming of New Kids On the Block. Max Martin, where are you?

6 MARIAH CAREY The Emancipation Of Mimi  “The Return of the Voice” it was heralded. More like, the “Attack of the Screaming Mimi”. In the beginning, Carey’s performance art consisted in the technically proficient rather than the emotional tonality. The post-Tommy years saw her dwindle that siren-like screech by leaning toward more hip-hop cred – sort of ‘The Pornification of Mimi’. While those results were more laughable, at least the thought was more laudable, and thank the powers that be, more listenable, albeit never – ever – lovable. Well, to secure both audiences, `Mimi’ juxtaposes both dichotomies to the nth degree. She had a knack for a hook, but her real gift was her rolodex filled with the Who’s Who of producers and arrangers; but you know you’re hard up when even the Neptune’s come up empty handed and Jermaine Dupree feels lost. But mediocrity was always a comfortable bed for Carey to lie in – this commercial comeback garnered Mariah her biggest opening ever, and her 16th [or 17th] #1 single. But, count out artistry here – it’s a genius marketing of a record company getting what they paid for.

7 BON JOVI Have A Nice Day Yes, Jon, 100,000,000 fans could be wrong, especially when your mathematics is a devious lie. But that’s another debate. Proving once and for all that their longevity has little to do with raw talent and plenty to do with pure chutzpah [and an ever-dwindling fan base], the latest in a long line of drek by these cliché-mongering, former pin-up boys proves neither a growth or regression – it’s a quintessential Bon Jovi confection – pallid ballads and unintentionally hilarious faux-rock, over-produced, and in grand, never-let-me-down Jon Bon Jovi fashion, sung with the most bombastic over-the-top whine this side of Celine Dion on steroids. They are so awful they are not even bad enough to enjoy anymore.

8 ASHLEE SIMPSON I Am Me While not off or on the bandwagon of the ‘Ashlee Sucks’ compendium of the past year or so, bringing it upon her uneducated self I might add, I took her SNL snafu for what it was – hell, Britney and Damita Jo herself have never sung live that I’ve ever witnessed [especially on SNL], so why the flack for this wannabe diva-ette?  Because, when the tenacity turns to mendacity, it’s a one-way ticket Where Are They Now?  You’ve heard it all ad nauseam, from Alanis to Avril to Kelly Clarkson to, well, Simpson herself.  Engaging, if not specious on her debut, her vocal was never the matter…it was the strong tunesmith.  Here she aims and fires for the hook, but decimates on contact, channeling various styles unsuccessfully with no sense of songcraft.  There’s no sense of coherence in the songs – her brooding becomes at best, annoying, at worst, pathetic.  It would have been nice for a real triumphant comeback to alleviate the past year or so, but instead she lands flat on her high notes.   And. Lord, there is THAT voice.   Overall, though, it could have been darker, more satanic for poor Ashlee – her first name could be Jessica.

9 NICKELBACK All The Right Reasons  Putrid neo-grungsters who commit the worst sin – not admitting they are putrid neo-grungesters. This replicates their last two albums, and if that’s your cup of vomit, cheers.

10 BURT BACHARACH All This Time  Good lord, where the hell is Dionne Warwick? Not that it’s remotely possible that she could save the banalities here, a socio-political lyric sheet by Bacharach, the composer, which clearly foreshadows senility. Frightened by the weight of the world, he takes to pen and paper for the first time in his career, penning elongated suites, long-winded instrumentals and – gasp! Actually sings a few himself. Grabbing onto hipsters and hip-hop is any sage’s call for help, but who knew that not even Elvis Costeloos, Dr. Dre (“the most extraordinary producer of our time” – Burt’s words, not mine), or Rufus Wainsright could save this. Forget Warwick, where the hell is Hal David?

 

Runners-Up:

BLOODHOUND GANG Hefty Fine How could misogyny, scat and Ralph Wiggums not be any fun?

MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE Three Cheers For Sweet Revenge Power chords, a singer as sonic as an electrocuted simian, they got the quasi-Goth wardrobe down. Though, they’re really Emo in charade (oh, joy.). Perfect for the PopGoth for the the MTV generation. For the rest of civilization, they’re a travesty as cold and calculated as Limp Bizkit.

JASON MRAZ Mr. A-Z Dexterous wordplay doesn’t come close to his smug self-absorption. The most un-sexy artist to muse about sex since Adam Levine, his sophomoric cramming of too-many-puns-per sentences showcases his contrivance over deft, gauche over piquancy. If his preoccupation with sex seems congruous with his goofy frat boy geekiness, it makes it more depressing that he ain’t got the skills.

PAUL MCCARTNEY Chaos and Creation in the Backyard Far be it from mortal me to attempt to knock a legend off his pedestal, but, sick of hearing, every few years when Sir Paul releases a new album that it’s ‘his comeback!’  ‘He hasn’t been this good in years!!’  ‘The best since the 70s!!!’  Please, Rock-N-Roll Hall of Fame solo be damned, he’s never released a masterpiece [closest was his almost-covers CD post-Linda, a fine tribute to 50s nostalgia].  While not as lethargic as ‘Driver Rain’, or cringe-inducing as his last live opus, this is still a major annoyance.  Balanced by John, George and Ringo in the 60s, unbalanced by Linda and – who else? – ever since.

ANDY BELL Electric Blues   Gay disco at it’s most commercially repugnant; there isn’t a hummable track on this hour-long spiral into the depths of top 40 club-land.  Not that Erasure was ever inventive or ground-breaking (they were not), but there were hints of campy nostalgia within each superficial album, which propelled Bell to utilize his atrociously schmaltzy vocals to grand, if not hammy, effect.  On ELECTRIC BLUES he takes his ‘art’ serious, folks, and by serious I mean dueting with his offspring, Jake Shears and losing the preciousness that endeared him to his aging queer fan base.

JENNIFER LOPEZ Rebirth I thought abortion was legal. Then how did this album survive?

SHERYL CROW Wildflower Formulaic enough, she also releases a deluxe edition, with acoustic versions of the track list. Whatever happened to the Sheryl Crow of SHERYL CROW?