If It’s The End Of The World As We Know It…
… come 2012, then I’ll feel fine. I welcome the end.
Dear God, Are You There? It’s Me, Jeffrey. Hello? Knock Knock!
Years ago, after the heinous Dr. Laura Schlessinger spewed her typical anti-gay rhetoric on the masses via her call-in radio show, an online “Dear Dr. Laura” letter was written inquiring about other biblical no-no’s. The “Dr. Laura” was changed to “Dear President Bush” when George Jr. used gay marriage as a platform to rile the religious fanatics, which was instrumental in his historically disastrous re-election.
It’s 2009, and it boggles the senses that there are still far too many homophobic, persnickety lil’ curmudgeons that this “Dear XXXX” can be forwarded to – while equality has progressed leaps and bounds in the past few years (marriage notwithstanding), its greatest foes remain those who will prostitute their lord’s name to promote their hateful agenda.
So, instead of asking Dr. Laura or Georgie boy, or hate-monger Maggie Gallagher of the hate-group iMAPP, or the detestable, demented Michelle Bachmann of Planet Ineedacatscan, or pageant contestant/mental mooncalf Carrie Prejean and her pimps at NOM, I decided to go to the big imaginary source in the sky himself. I mean, why siphon his message through such acrimonious channels? Isn’t God all about loving thy neighbor and blah blah blah?
I reworded most – and switched around the original sequences – of that “Dr. Laura” letter and was about to send this message to God myself when I realized I don’t have his e-mail address. Hmmm, I don’t even have his snail-mail address. Then I realized, he IS the almighty, and I am sure he reads Mynewboyfriend.com, so if I merely click my heels three times, or perhaps just press PUBLISH, He’ll just…know! Ta dah!
I took it upon myself to add links to the notated biblical versions. You know, in case God had any momentary lapse of memory for what he actually said. I know! I’m such a good atheist!
Dear God,
Thank you for allowing your denizens here on Earth to educate people regarding your laws. I have learned a great deal from them, and I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can, even when it’s filled with hatred for me. When I try to defend my homosexual “lifestyle”, for example, they simply remind me that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate, right? I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of your more specific laws and how to best follow them.
- I have friends with the tendency to curse…a lot. Is it really necessary that we go through the trouble of getting my whole town together to stone them? I mean besides it being your Numero Uno commandment, you state it again in Lev.24:16, so I’m not sure what they expected, ya know? But couldn’t we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws (Lev.20:14)? I know, I know. Ew.
- When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice (and to be honest, the only bull I’ve burned wasn’t sacrificial, unless you count an all-American July 4th BBQ an immolation to the flag), I know it creates a pleasing odor for you, my Lord (Lev. 1:9). The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. How should I deal with this?
- If I had one, I’m not so sure I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as it suggests in Exodus 21:7. But I have a few nieces – does that count? And in these modern times, with the economy in the toilet, plus factoring in 2000 years of inflation, what do you think would be a fair price for her?
- I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev. 15:19-24) which is a-ok by me since my “problem” is the aforementioned Lev.18:22. The problem is my straight male friends. How do they bring this sensitive subject up in post-dinner, pre-coital conversation? They’ve tried asking, but as you’d expect, most women take offense.
- Lev. 25:44 states that I may buy slaves from the pagan nations that are around us. Being geographically retarded as I am, a friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans but not Canadians. Can you clarify?
- I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself? I don’t mind really…he’s kind of a human hemorrhoid, if you know what I mean…
- A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination (Lev. 11:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don’t agree (obviously!). Can you settle this?
- Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God (that would be you, sir) if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear prescription glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here? I mean, they’re really hot Kio Yamato frames and I must admit I look fab in them. You should see me! Oh, wait! Silly me!
- Lev. 19:27 says that a man can’t get his hair or beard trimmed. My Lord, have you SEEN me unkempt? It ain’t pretty…can you make an exception? For me?
- I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching/eating the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but if I actually wanted to (which I never do), may I still play football if I wear gloves? And is eating a post-game pork chop thus an abomination?
- My uncle has a farm. Okay, not really, but for the sake of inquisition let’s say he does. And let’s say he violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife (my imaginary aunt) by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (polyester/cotton blend – not exactly the fabric of our lives). What do we do with them?
You know, God, I have so many other questions for you, but I don’t wanna weigh you down with too much. I mean, it IS Sunday, and as we all know, it’s your day of relaxing in the, uh, sun.
While I know your earthly mouthpieces have studied these things extensively as they have learned at your most divine feet, so far they ain’t answering. So I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that your word is eternal and unchanging.
I’ll be waiting on your response. But, please, take your time. No rush.
Love, Jeffrey~
Not Second Class Citizens
****
I could not be in Washington on this historic day but my spirit resides within – and stands tall aside – the over 250K TRUE AMERICANS who marched together for the undeniable right to marry who they love.
Fight on, my fellow TRUE AMERICANS. We WILL win – against the serrated homophobes entrenched in their own vitriol; against the vile hatred of the demagogue’s on the right (and left); against the true ANTI-AMERICANS who don’t believe in justice and equality for all and who mangle and twist history and truth for their own evil schema; against the religious zealots who claim to know what their God is thinking, by transcribing ancient scrolls written thousands of years ago, encapsulated within 10 Commandments that not only do NOT mention homosexuality, but whose very existence is negated by the fact that the majority of humans have broken them, ten-thousandfold (it’s nice to know that if I AM going to a place called ‘hell’ for being gay, I’ll be in the company of every man and woman who has ever said “Goddamn it”. That’s the very first of these commandments).
Marriage equality WILL be realized, if not today, perhaps tomorrow – perchance next week, next year or the year after that. But we will win. Equality will happen. We will victor against those Bible-thumpers who claim it is God Himself who is against us, conveniently forgetting that in that same book they reference and hold up to the heavens in phony self-righteousness, slavery is sanctioned, eating shellfish is an abomination, and working on the Sabbath is punishable by death.
It was Noah Webster who added the term “man and woman” to the definition of “marriage”, thereby changing the course of history by invoking Biblical invocations to alter what was historically never gender-specific. Logically and humanely, by 2009, every major English dictionary either changed such specifications, or added secondary supplements to reinstate the original definition.
††††††
How apropos that this march on Washington falls on National Coming Out day. If every gay man and woman were brave enough to step out of their dark, dank, scary little closets then conceivably these equal rights marches would become obsolete. And, just think of the mammoth effect/affect if, even for one single day, every LGBT man or woman would go on strike – stop working for a single day! Not only would the American economy come to (that oft-used cliché) a screeching halt, but the military would fall to pieces and Washington would cease to function.
Such a mammoth undertaking might seem naive or far-reaching or an ideal too prodigious to attempt. I understand, but it would only help to hammer the inalienable fact that WE ARE NOT SECOND CLASS CITIZENS!
Marriage equality WILL be realized, if not today, perhaps tomorrow – perchance next week, next year or the year after that. But we will win. Equality will happen.
Equality will happen.
Happy Birthday Uncle Abe, Darwinism and the Devolution of Me
(See below to ‘devolve’ yourself!)
Yep, Abe Lincoln was/is my great, great, great gay/bisexual uncle, via marriage. Don’t laugh. While I never researched the truth in that – the ‘uncle’ aspect, not the ‘gay’ facet - I figured why would my mother lie for all those years ago about my heritage? I know, I know…with the internet in its second decade, you’d surmise that I would at least attempt to uncover the lineage. But, supposedly, her great grandmother’s sister was Mary Todd Lincoln.
As for the gay speculation, there’s more than enough evidence to suggest that Abe’s obsession with the theater had less to do than merely it being that era’s main source of entertainment. You can read about it HERE or HERE.
But that’s neither here nor there. Today marks Abe’s 200th birthday, so Happy Birthday, Uncle Abe.
And, it is also the 200th birthday of Charles Darwin:
Sharing that bicentennial birthday milestone comes with some depressing news for Chuck – appallingly, only 39% OF AMERICANS BELIEVE IN EVOLUTION! THIRTY-NINE PERCENT!
Here how it breaks down:
So, 25% of Americans are total brain-atrophying idiots and 36% are brain-sterile cuckoos. At least the 1% stayed true to themselves and didn’t respond. It boggles te darkest caverns of the mind that in 2009, there are THAT many people who still we dreived from Adam and his rib-made companion, Eve. Oy.
Anyway…in the true spirit of Darwinism, I came across this funky ‘devolution’ website, via TOWLEROAD. You can ‘devolve’ your self by uploading a pic into their interface. Here’s what I would have looked like 3.2 million years ago during the Australopithecus afarensis era (or after I wake up after a 13-hour sleepathon on any given Sunday):
Damn, I’m still so strappingly handsome, ain’t I?
Devolve yourself HERE!
Agnostic Is The New Black
VS
I often joke with my friends that I claim agnosticism “just in case”. In all actuality, I could be any various forms of such. I could be an atheistic agnostic, which is no different from an agnostic atheism. I’m more likely a pragmatic agnostic or apathetic agnostic (there’s barely a difference). But, more often than not I will claim good ol’ plain-Jane agnosticism. Both theism and atheism imbue such finality and, lets face it, presumptuousness – I mean, who the hell knows? There is no more proof that a god exists than there is evidence that it is all a fabrication.
I do know that innately I’m more of a skeptic than a believer (i.e. don’t get me started on that great literary work of fiction known as The Bible!). Maybe I’m an agnostic-bordering-on-atheist, or merely an atheist masqueraded as an agnostic? Feh. Labels.
That being said (whatever the hell “that” is, exactly), I came across this article (thanx Rickey) that lists the Top 50 Atheist T-Shirt and Bumper Sticker aphorisms. These are more truthful than any zealot can attempt to sell me on his or her religion, but I don’t post to offend. I mean, atheist or theist, or agnostic, this is some funny shit right here!
Top Fifty Atheist T-Shirt and Bumper Stickers
- Abstinence Makes the Church Grow Fondlers
- Honk If Your Religious Beliefs Make You An Asshole
- Intelligent Design Makes My Monkey Cry
- Too Stupid to Understand Science? Try Religion.
- There’s A REASON Why Atheists Don’t Fly Planes Into Buildings
- “Worship Me or I Will Torture You Forever. Have a Nice Day.” God.
- God Doesn’t Kill People. People Who Believe in God Kill People.
- If There is No God, Then What Makes the Next Kleenex Pop Up?
- He’s Dead.
It’s Been 2,000 years.
He’s Not Coming Back.
Get OVER It Already! - All religion is simply evolved out of fraud, fear, greed, imagination, and poetry. Edgar Allen Poe.
- Viva La Evolución!
- Actually, If You Look It Up, The Winter Solstice Is The Reason For The Season
- I Wouldn’t Trust Your God Even If He Did Exist
- Cheeses Is Lard. Argue With THAT If You Can.
- People Who Don’t Want Their Beliefs Laughed at Shouldn’t Have Such Funny Beliefs
- Jesus is Coming? Don’t Swallow That.
- Threatening Children With Hell Is FUN!
- GOD – APPLY DIRECTLY TO FOREHEAD!
- Jesus Told Me Republicans SUCK
- God + Whacky Tobacky = Platypus
- God Doesn’t Exist. So, I Guess That Means No One Loves You.
- When the Rapture Comes, We’ll Get Our Country Back!
- Q. How Do We Know the Holy Ghost Was Catholic?
A. He Used the Rhythm Method Instead of a Condom. - You Say “Heretic” Like It Was a BAD Thing
- I Love Christians. They Taste Like Chicken.
- Science: It Works, Bitches.
- “Intelligent Design”: Helping Stupid People Feel Smart Since 1987
- I Found God Between The Sheets
- I Gave Up Superstitious Mumbo Jumbo For Lent
- My Flying Monkey Can Beat Up Your Guardian Angel
- Every Time You Play With Yourself, God Kills a Kitten
- If God Wanted People to Believe in Him, Then Why Did He Invent Logic?
- Praying Is Politically Correct Schizophrenia
- ALL Americans Are African Americans
- I Forget – Which Day Did God Make All The Fossils?
- I Was An Atheist Until The Hindus Convinced Me That I Was God
- The Spanish Inquisition: The Original Faith-based Initiative
- If we were made in his image, when why aren’t humans invisible too?
- JESUS SAVES….You From Thinking For Yourself
- How Can You Disbelieve in Evolution If You Can’t Even Define It?
- Q. How Can You Tell That Your God is Man-made?
A. If He Hates All the Same People You Do. - Every Time You See a Rainbow, God is Having Gay Sex
- I Went to Public School in Kansas and All I Got Was This Lousy T-shirt and a Poor Understanding of the Scientific Method.
- WWJD = We Won. Jesus Died.
- The Family That Prays Together is Brainwashing the Children
- Oh, Look, Honey Another Pro-lifer For War
- Another Godless Atheist for Peace and World Harmony
- God is Unavailable Right Now. Can I Help You?
- When Lip Service to Some Mysterious Deity Permits Bestiality on
Wednesday and Absolution on Sundays, Cash Me Out. Frank Sinatra. - No Gods. No Mullets.
Meet The New Pimp, Same As The Old Pimp
Bishop Richard Williamson – Ain’t he pretty?
We all know that Pope Benedict XVI, like Pope John Paul before him, is a pimp. And not in a Snoop Dogg kinda way.
Pope John Paul was the most celebrated of pimps. While he sat on his makeshift golden throne, he ALLOWED his pedophile army to wreck havoc on millions of children around the globe. While he rolled his fat, naked body in a cesspool of billions of dollars, his filthy hookers (those pedophile priests) raped the offspring of the clueless, blind Catholic sheep. He was a hateful, vindictive wannabe-demigod. Rot in hell (I mean, if there is a hell).
His malevolent successor, the Nazi Pope Benedict XVI, has said and done some fairly heinous, sub-human shit since the ol’ geezer croaked, most incredibly having a mammoth hand in the cover up of those aforementioned pederasts while he was still Cardinal Ratzinger (what an appropriate name!) Rent the great documentary DELIVER US FROM EVIL as a starter, then research the subject – you’ll recoil in vomitous horror.
Well, heeeeeeeeee’s back and at it again! A few days ago, Pimp Daddy Pope Benny Baby pardoned the excommunication of Bishop Richard Williamson, the fag-hatin’, Holocaust denyin’, women-detestin’, 9/11-refutin’ (rather, he’s on the same page as the nut jobs who think the murderous fall of the World Trade Center, et al was an inside job) piece of shit who was originally proscribed by John Paul.
Via TOWLEROAD:
Pope Benedict has launched his very own Catholic propaganda channel on YouTube.
The Pope has also pardoned the excommunications of four bishops including British Bishop Richard Williamson, who is a Holocaust denier, a 9/11 truther, thinks women should neither be educated nor wear trousers, and is “violently” anti-gay, writes Andrew Sullivan:
“God did not wait for the founding of the Catholic Church to instill in men the horror of this sin, but he implanted in the human nature of all of us, unless or until we corrupt it, an instinct of violent repugnance for this particular sin, comparable to our instinctive repugnance for other misuses of our human frame, such as coprophagy.”
Sullivan notes that in a letter from 1997 to his friends and benefactors, Williamson goes so far as to mock gays in a passage spelled out to mimic lisping:
“Oh, but Our Lord had chawity, (unlike thumwun we know who wath tho nathty to Pwintheth Di!). Our Lord loved thinnerth, and faggotth, and tho thould we!!”
Freak of freaks:
My New Hero(es)
Last Tuesday, we celebrated a triumphant, joyous day in American history by electing the first African-American President of the United States. It was a great moment for America for reasons that a thousand pundits have bestowed in the days since, a million blogs have celebrated, and the majority of Americans have waited for, for eight long, tortuous, dehumanizing years. Not only because of the historical social significance, but because a new reign of intelligentsia was once again going to lead our country from the depths of hillbilly hell, to form an even more perfect Union. So, indeed it was a most incredible day.
But, some would argue, it wasn’t such a great day for GAY Americans.
I’ve been silent on commenting on California’s Prop 8 because it is so beyond the confounded, so inherently wrong, so devoid of humanity that it rendered me speechless. Others far more intellectual, philosophical and coherent than I have set ablaze the viral fires of justice – and trust me when I say that this is far, far from over – but one can’t stay inert for too long without feeling that ones proverbial head will explode.
Friends will tell me, “But Jeffrey, you’re against ANY marriage ANYWAY, so why do you care!” And I would only argue that ‘against’ was/is too harsh a word. I’ve always said that since marriage begat from religion, and to me all religion is voodoo bullshit, then I have no interest. Especially when you factor in the statistics (you know, 50% blah blah blah).
I was (am, really) perfectly fine with “Civil Unions” or “Domestic Partnership” or any other label they wanted branded upon us. Let them keep the dreaded “M” word – I would never call my partner my “husband” – that’s monumentally stupid. “I now pronounce you husband and husband”? How profoundly ridiculous that sounds! He’s my partner, period. Life-partner if you will.
That said, as a ‘civil union’ or a ‘domestic partner’, I (you, we) should – by all human civility, propriety and logic – be granted the same rights that ‘traditional marriage’ confers. There are currently over a thousand rights and privileges that come with being a straight married couple that gay couples are not afforded as ‘domestic partners’.
But, this ain’t about what I believe or MY issues anyway. It’s about what’s right and wrong. If I don’t want to get ‘married’, that’s MY DECISION. No. One. Else’s. And anyone should have that right to marry if that’s their wish. EVERYONE. ANYONE.
There are so many reasons that this is more a caricature than a miscarriage of justice, but it can easily can be summed in 2 words: EQUAL RIGHTS. The monumental AUDACITY to not only deny love and commitment, but to strip away the almost 20,000 same-sex marriages that have already occurred in California, is beyond any absolute logic and decimates the most basic human components.
I’m not going to filibuster or pontificate here on my little corner of the web – I can’t, without ranting like a lunatic. As aforementioned, I’ll leave that to the far more diligent, the more intelligent, the less-easily frustrated, the real American heroes who have a far brawnier intestinal fortitude than I can ever muster. I can scream from the mountain tops until my lungs are set ablaze, but I’ll just let the blog-o-sphere speak on my (OUR) behalf (I am content with the knowledge hope that this will be turned over in California’s Supreme Court. I have to be…).
Or, I’ll just let Keith Olbermann sum up this latest travesty in America’s short history. I know most of you have probably seen this in all its profundity, as it has bulleted across the information superhighway (is that moniker still relevant?) like lightning, but if you haven’t, it’s worth hearing and watching again. Especially, if your blood runs red and your heart is true. Love. What a concept.
If you wish to follow some online heroes of the cause, read these daily (I do – but also because they’re damned good blogs):
Michelangelo Signorile (Click HERE to hear a caller to Signorile’s radio show that personifies the hate that gay Americans who want EQUAL rights are dealing with. Multiply this hag by millions and you understand what common human dececny is up against).
These guys are just three of a prodigious group of online activists human beings at the battle forefront of the affront of decency. I surmise it might be time to join in on the brigade.
My New Mantra…
What a godsend!
Says Richard Dawkins, author of “The God Delusion“:
“Religion is accustomed to getting a free ride – automatic tax breaks, unearned respect and the right not to be offended, the right to brainwash children. Even on the buses, nobody thinks twice when they see a religious slogan plastered across the side. This campaign to put alternative slogans on London buses will make people think – and thinking is anathema to religion.”
Amen.
My New Prophecy
Hmmm ~ interestin’! The date of the supposed END OF THE WORLD is December 21 2012. I mean, It sorta makes sense, no? That would be right near the end of President Palin’s first term in office…and if anyone can destroy mankind, it’s her and her ilk.
PS – before you ask: Please. NO, I don’t believe this.
