The Greatest Farce Of All
Sorry, I ain’t buying Wendy Williams’ spurious bullshit. Making Whitney’s death all about her is tacky enough, but this is the woman who was relentless on outing Houston and her best friend Robyn as lesbians back in her radio days. She’s been an interminable bully for years – to Whitney and various other celebrities – when (and why?!?) have people started taking this category 5 phony seriously? Her tears are about as authentic as the hair on her ginormous head.
I Love Rock ‘N Roll (But…)
Believe it or not, I never saw the Broadway show the film is based on, which was wildly entertaining, according to my friends who actually did see it and whose opinions matter to me. It sounds like pure camp-heaven, so eventually I’ll get off my highfalutin horse and stroll on over to the Helen Hayes Theater to have a good ol’ time.
As fantastic as the show sounds, and appears to be, there are some major hurdles in the trailer for the film version of ROCK OF AGES.
For one, Russell Brand and Julianne Hough are in it. And it’s directed by the not-always reliable Adam Shankman, so strike one, two and, well, two-and-a-half by fiat.
Secondly, Alec Baldwin and Paul Giamatti are great comic actors, but when actors are blatantly winking at the viewer, it sorta negates the camp appeal it’s aiming for (I like my camp unintentional).
Thirdly, the soundtrack consists of the best/worst music from the cheesiest era in Rock N Roll history, the mighty 80s, e.g. Journey, Whitesnake, Quiet Riot, Styx etc. But, actually, this might work in its favor, as tit’s performed as, again, camp , which, if you think about it, is the only way one can perform Journey, Whitesnake, Quiet Riot, Styx etc. “seriously”.)
Lastly, the trailer is pretty dreadful:
See. Yet, I can’t muster a reasonable rationale as to why I can’t wait to see it. I never (okay, rarely) judge a film by its trailer, but there’s something intriguing about this wreckage that compels me to want to see it.
Oh, and P.S. While nothing will ever make me believe he’s anything other than a raving lunatic,I’m about to say something I’ve never ever said – even at the height of his fame – Tom Cruise look friggin’ hot! I know, it’s my evergreen lust for dirty, long-haired rockers. Even the faux ones.
Slash & Burn
I know, I know – Rock N Roll squabbles are frivolous in the great spectrum of life. But sometimes supercilious remarks by a musician way past his prime just irks the hell out of me. Case in point: Slash Vs. GLEE.
Seriously.
In a recent interview with ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY, the former Guns N Roses guitarist Slash was asked about GnR’s catalog being used on the hit Fox TV show (disclaimer – I’m a GLEEK):
How wou
ld you feel about GLEE doing a Guns N’ Roses song or themed episode?
Actually, we got asked about that once already but it got turned down. In the current climate of what’s going on in entertainment these days, I try to be more optimistic than negative because it’s really easy to get negative about it, but I draw the line at Glee. Glee is worse than Grease and Grease is bad enough…. When Grease came out I was like, “Oh, c’mon, give me a break.” Actually, I look at Grease now and think: Between High School Musical and Glee, Grease was a brilliant work of art.
Well, you know what I say, Slash? Sure, “to each his own”, as the old cliche goes. But infinitely greater, more fantastical Rock’ N Roll legends than you’ll ever be (e.g. Paul McCartney, Bruce Springsteen, Queen, etc…) understand GLEEs aesthetic and happily loan their songs to this archetypal show (can’t wait for the Springsteen ep!). So, while you continue to prostitute your canon (and yourself) by allowing ‘singers’ like Fergie to use the only guitar refrain you’ll ever be famous for (and for actually partaking), in debacles like The Black Eyed Peas’ abysmal Super Bowl halftime show, I’ll enjoy GLEEs recitals of genuine Rock icons.
Irrelevancy. Such a motherfucker, huh, Slash?
*****
Here, Puck serenades his latest conquest Lauren naively inappropriately with Queen’s “Fat Bottom Girls” (from their 1978 album JAZZ***):
And here, the Warblers – featuring the delicious Darren Criss as Blaine – serenades Chris’ former New Direction mates with Paul McCartney & Wings’ “Silly Love Songs”***:
***Yes, the videos are flipped. Many YouTube posters encode their vids this way so YouTube’s recognition technology can’t recognize the material…
The Star Spangled Blunder
So much hullabaloo online today regarding Christina Aguilera’s Super Bowl rendition of “The Star Spangled Banner”. You’da thunk she gave the middle finger to the President or took a shit on the Constitution (what, she’s not a Tea Bagger or the previous President’s administration!). As someone who loathes Aguilera’s usual sonic assault on the senses, I still must ask, who the fuck cares that she flubbed one line of the National Anthem? That this transcendentally awful song is our anthem to begin with should be the real discussion (I’m forever in the “America, The Beautiful” camp, even with its allusion to a god). In any case, Whitney Houston – for all the adoration that’s heaped upon her powerful yet soulless rendition – lip-synched it back in 91. As did Jennifer Hudson 2 years ago. And far better singers than Aguilera will ever be have blundered the song as well. At least Aguilera sang (shrilled) live. Let’s give her that.
Me? I appreciated her lyrical mishap. Heavens forbid, if all went well, we would have been subjected to Aguilera’s melismatic norm. Something akin to, well, this:
What Have You Done Today…?

I look into the window of my mind
Reflections of the fears I know I’ve left behind
I step out of the ordinary
I can feel my soul ascending
I am on my way
Can’t stop me now
And you can do the same
What have you done today to make you feel proud?
It’s never too late to try
What have you done today to make you feel proud?
You could be so many people
If you make that break for freedom
What have you done today to make you feel proud?
Still so many answers I don’t know
Realise that to question is how we grow
So I step out of the ordinary
I can feel my soul ascending
I am on my way
Can’t stop me now
And you can do the same
What have you done today to make you feel proud?
It’s never too late to try
What have you done today to make you feel proud?
You could be so many people
If you make that break for freedom
What have you done today to make you feel proud?
We need a change
Do it today
I can feel my spirit rising
We need a change
So do it today
‘Cause I can see a clear horizon
What have you done today to make you feel proud?
So what have you done today to make you feel proud?
‘Cause you could be so many people
If you make that break for freedom
So what have you done today to make you feel proud?
What have you done today to make you feel proud?
What have you done today
You could be so many people?
Just make that break for freedom
So what have you done today to make you feel proud?
~Heather Small

MTV VMyAwn…
*****
I watch music videos for a living. While that’s generalizing and simplifying the exact context of my work, it’s the bottom line. So while I can dispute the winners of last night’s MTV Video Music Awards with a flair of knowledge, it’s best to understand that to argue is a moot point. The “best” videos are rarely the winners, and even rarer, ever nominated. So, we take what it is at face value (as with most awards shows) and pretend we’re content with what has become the ‘norm’.

The show itself was a promise of a better-than-usual affair. I haven’t watched a full VMA in years – precisely because I’m often loath to succumb to its pop-culturism. Chelsea Handler as hostess (the first female host since Roseanne Barr helmed the 1994 cheese-apalooza) was a sign that perhaps MTV has finally stopped taking itself seriously. Handler is part of the pop culture machine, but more as an agitator…skewering the very machination she’s a part of with an undeniable fervor and abandon. While comediennes like Kathy Griffin relish dishing on the D-List society we dumb-downed Americans have sadly embraced wholeheartedly (e.g. the Kate Gosselin’s of the world, the Khardasian’s, the Britney’s, the Lohan’s, etc…), her innate adoration of those targets is palpable. Handler seemingly genuinely and deliciously disdains. So, when she risked her very health by dipping into the Jacuzzi with the sub-humanoid denizens of the Jersey Shore cast at one point mid-way through the show, it was simultaneously to partake in the absurdity of their pop culture ascension and to obliterate it with an intelligent irony those morons could never understand.
The aforementioned better show promise barely materialized. While Eminem’s opening medley of “Not Afraid”/”Love The Way You Lied” was a stunner (even with “surprise guest” Rihanna’s atonal droning on the latter), he skipped the rest of the ceremony to fly back to the East Coast for his concert with Jay-Z, hence unable to accept the few awards he won. And why saddle Lady Gaga as the most nominated performer in VMA history only to have her sit out the performances? She’s an attention whore, we get it, but her outrageous shock-frock’s are a tired cliché and it’s been played out ad nauseum for nearly two years running already, so her nightmare runway sashays with every Moon Man she collected doesn’t really count (I should add that, while no fan of Gaga’s retro-90’s Club MTV musical leanings, her steadfast stance and intestinal fortitude on basic equal rights is incontestable. By showing up with 4 American soldiers – heroes – recently discharged under our governments heinous Don’t Ask Don’t Tell as her ‘dates’, she’s not only educating the youth masses of the injustices within our flawed system, but the hypocrisy of President Obama’s confounded positions on said rights).
The performers of the night were hit or miss (mostly miss). We all learned back in 1992 that WHITE MEN CAN’T JUMP, but who knew that white boys also couldn’t sing!? Or dance? Or best/worst of all, even lip-synch? So, salutations, Justin Bieber, and thanks – your poorly mimed “Baby”/“Somebody To Love” was unintentionally comical enough, but losing your drumstick during that solo was the cherry on top! Meanwhile, Bieber’s sensei Usher’s proclivity toward a Michael Jackson hierarchy is taxing – he’s too far into his own career for the incessant terpsichorean mimicry. His (also, frustratingly, lip-synched) medley of his “DJ Got Us Falling In Love”/“OMG”, while visually all razzle, was far from a dazzle, despite it’s TRON-meets-KILL BILL milieux.

Florence and the Machine - An Ethereal "Dog Days Are Over"
While I’m betting that hipsters the blogosphere over were rejoicing after Florence + the Machine’s FELLINI SATYRICON-like performance of her Vid Of The Year nominee “Dog Days Are Over”, it was dynamic and ethereal – the evening’s most vivid recital. The Drake/Mary J Blige/Swizz Beatz Rat Pack-inspired take on Drake’s “Fancy” was fanciful in ideal, not necessarily in execution – though Mary’s perfect imperfections are always a joy to behold…even though she (finally) learned how to sing a few years ago, it’s that rampant almost-punk aesthetic that always trickles in which takes the non-believers like me to church.
Instantaneously, I was impressed that MTV and TLC agreed on a cross-channel agreement until I realized that, no, it was not the lost member of LITTLE PEOPLE, BIG WORLDs Roloff family in Little Richard drag tinkling at the ivories, but R&B sensation Bruno Mars, which begat Atlanta’s latest superstar B.O.B.’s “Nothin’ On You”, before segueing into “Airplanes” with Haley Williams of Paramore. We learned earlier that Williams and B.O.B. never met before the VMA rehearsal (technology allowed their recorded duet to happen), and it couldn’t have been more apparent. Williams was Paramore-less during their “Only Exception”. Linkin Park headache-inducing attempt to stop their spiraling descent into irrelevancy with “Catalyst” was, well, loud and, let’s face it, ludicrous – there’s never a cliche these nimrod’s don’t like to hold tightly.

But lest anyone foolishly believe otherwise, the 2010 VMAs leant no creed to anything as inconsequential as, say, the winners (it never is, though Gaga took home 8 Moon Men), nor even about the fashion which, due to the frivolous insignificance of the award itself, is usually this show’s main metier.
Nope – nothing else meant anything – not on this day – the 1st anniversary of Taylorgate!!! A year ago, West morphed from pompous talented blowhard to pompous talented douchebag blowhard in an instant swoop – by bum-rushing the stage (inebriated, no less) as Swift accepted her Best Female Video Moon Man and proclaiming (correctly, I might add, at least historically) that Beyoncé was robbed of the statue.
West’s only ‘crime’ was classless, sure, but in the realm of MTV, his statement was hardly erroneous. Perhaps “Single Ladies” wasn’t “…one of the greatest videos of all time, of all TIME!”, as he stupidly clamored, but it certainly is one of the medium’s all-time greatest hits – it remains its own zeitgeist even almost two years later – probably unarguably the most parodied – mimicked, homaged, revered – in this YouTube age. And MTV, as noted earlier, is almost always about the “most popular”, so its loss to Swift’s teenage ramblings was a head-scratcher at the very least.
Meanwhile, West’s actions jettisoned Swift into stratospheric new heights. Already a crossover country superstar, she became the poor rich little white girl attacked by the drunk, scary black man – America went bonkers and suddenly Swift became the most famous victim in the country and became a megastar, a household name.
Flash-forward a year – and incalculable West apologies – later, and the controversy’s come full circle. All eyes, ears and even the noses of the gossip hounds, the blogosphere, the press and viewers, were simultaneously glued to MTV – the world seemingly waited with an inflated inhalation.
Swift’s public statement wasn’t nearly as provocative as it could have been; in lieu of an incendiary verbal scolding, “Innocent” approached the topic more with a condescending finger-pointing of a mother reprimanding her child with lessons-to-be-learned affirmations:
It’s alright, just wait and see, your string of lights are still bright to me
Oh, who you are is not what you’ve been
You’re still an innocent
It’s okay, life is a tough crowd
32 and still growing up now
Who you are is not what you did
You’re still an innocent
Solipsism was always West’s best friend so “Runaway” seeped of his favorite subject of course, but despite the heralded chorus, independent of the controversy you’d never know that there was a controversy to begin with:
Let’s have a toast for the douchebags, let’s have a toast for the assholes
Let’s have a toast for the scumbags, every one of them that I know
Let’s have a toast for the jerk-offs, that never take work off
Baby I got a plan, runaway as fast as you can…
But delving further, he, uh, “sings”:
Used to find pictures in my e-mail
I sent this bitch a picture of my dick (he censored himself and sang “HEY”)
I don’t know what it is with females
But I’m not too good at that shit (see above)
See I could have me a good girl
And still be addicted to hood rats
And I just blame everything on you
At least you know that’s what I’m good at…
You couldn’t find an insinuation to Kanye/Taylorgate with a fine-toothed comb, but that won’t stop the masses from trying. Remember, again, West didn’t hobble on stage and pull a Chris Brown on Swift last year – merely stated his belief in an ugly manner. He offered no musical apologies, nor did he owe one (to anyone other than Swift). What MTV did was build the controversy to a fever pitch (they announced his “comeback” throughout the program) and, hoping West would sequel Swift’s earlier part 1, he instead displays an action that is perfectly aligned with his history – he makes it all about him Such is the genius of Kanye.
That the much-anticipated water cooler redemption was as arid as dry ice (spoken in brief, almost passing tones this day after) it was a lost moment for a possible pop culture landmark.
So, instead of elongating the already prolonged feud, it ended with last night’s anti-climax.
Besides, who would’ve thought that the topic of conversation today would be this:
Let it suffice to say that Lady Gaga is not the new white meat.
R.I.P. LFO
I got flack for it in 1999 from my ‘serious’ music-loving friends and I’ll probably get flack for it again – but I’m owning it! Back in 1999, during the genesis of the new(est) wave of boy band hysteria, LFO’s (oy, that stands for Lyte Funkie Ones) “Summer Girls” left an indelible, deliciously cheesey mark on the TRL-saturated terrain of teen pop. Sure, it was lyrically stupid and sophomoric, but it read like any teenage boy’s stupid, sophomoric love letter to his girl. And it was one of my Top 10 Singles of that year.
Sadly, Rich Cronin – lead, uh, ‘singer’ – died earlier today at the age of 35 after being diagnosed with Acute Myelogenous Leukemia in 2005. Cronin – and LFO – never again reached the highs of “Summer Girls” (though came close with the Top 10 “Girl On TV” – the video starred Cronin’s then-girlfriend Jennifer Love Hewitt) – the monumental royal battle between the Backstreet Boys vs. ‘N Sync was too mighty for the minuscule armies who attempted to reach that hierarchy, where even the semi-successful ones (e.g. the gruesome 98°) were scoffed and decimated. Cronin did appear in the short-lived 2007 Vh1 reality show MISSION: MAN BAND, which consisted of other former teen-pop boy band members and chronicled their attempt at one last shot of superstardom.
Sadly, for Cronin, it never happened, though it was said he enjoyed the ride. I’m glad. RIP, Rich. And as for “Summer Girls”, thank you for that little piece of goopy heaven.
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