Years ago, after the heinous Dr. Laura Schlessinger spewed her typical anti-gay rhetoric on the masses via her call-in radio show, an online “Dear Dr. Laura” letter was written inquiring about other biblical no-no’s. The “Dr. Laura” was changed to “Dear President Bush” when George Jr. used gay marriage as a platform to rile the religious fanatics, which was  instrumental in his historically disastrous re-election.

It’s 2009, and it boggles the senses that there are still far too many homophobic, persnickety lil’ curmudgeons that this “Dear XXXX” can be forwarded to – while equality has progressed leaps and bounds in the past few years (marriage notwithstanding), its greatest foes remain those who will prostitute their lord’s name to promote their hateful agenda.

So, instead of asking Dr. Laura or Georgie boy, or hate-monger Maggie Gallagher of the hate-group iMAPP,  or the detestable, demented  Michelle Bachmann of Planet Ineedacatscan, or pageant contestant/mental mooncalf Carrie Prejean and her pimps at NOM, I decided to go to the big imaginary source in the sky himself.  I mean, why siphon his message through such acrimonious channels?  Isn’t God all about loving thy neighbor and blah blah blah?

I reworded most – and switched around the original sequences – of that “Dr. Laura” letter and was about to send this message to God myself when I realized I don’t have his e-mail address.  Hmmm, I don’t even have his snail-mail address.  Then I realized, he IS the almighty, and I am sure he reads Mynewboyfriend.com, so if I merely click my heels three times, or  perhaps just press PUBLISH, He’ll just…know!  Ta dah!

I took it upon myself to add links to the notated biblical versions. You know, in case God had any momentary lapse of memory for what he actually said. I know! I’m such a good atheist!

Dear God,

Thank you for allowing your denizens here on Earth to educate people regarding your laws. I have learned a great deal from them, and I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can, even when it’s filled with hatred for me. When I try to defend my homosexual “lifestyle”, for example, they simply remind me that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate, right? I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of your more specific laws and how to best follow them.

1. I have friends with the tendency to curse…a lot.  Is it really necessary that we go through the trouble of getting my whole town together to stone them? I mean besides it being your Numero Uno commandment, you state it again in Lev.24:16, so I’m not sure what they expected, ya know? But couldn’t we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws (Lev.20:14)? I know, I know. Ew.
   
2. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice (and to be honest, the only bull I’ve burned wasn’t sacrificial, unless you count an all-American July 4th BBQ an immolation to the flag), I know it creates a pleasing odor for you, my Lord (Lev. 1:9). The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. How should I deal with this?
3. If I had one, I’m not so sure I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as it suggests in Exodus 21:7. But I have a few nieces – does that count? And in these modern times, with the economy in the toilet, plus factoring in 2000 years of inflation, what do you think would be a fair price for her?
   
4. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev. 15:19-24) which is a-ok by me since my “problem” is the aforementioned Lev.18:22. The problem is my straight male friends. How do they bring this sensitive subject up in post-dinner, pre-coital conversation?  They’ve tried asking, but as you’d expect, most women take offense.
5. Lev. 25:44 states that I may buy slaves from the pagan nations that are around us. Being geographically retarded as I am, a friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans but not Canadians. Can you clarify?
6. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself? I don’t mind really…he’s kind of a human hemorrhoid, if you know what I mean…
   
7. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination (Lev. 11:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don’t agree (obviously!). Can you settle this?
8. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God (that would be you, sir) if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear prescription glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here? I mean, they’re really hot Kio Yamato frames and I must admit I look fab in them. You should see me!  Oh, wait! Silly me!
   
9. Lev. 19:27 says that a man can’t get his hair or beard trimmed.  My Lord, have you SEEN me unkempt? It ain’t pretty…can you make an exception? For me?
   
10. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching/eating the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but if I actually wanted to (which I never do), may I still play football if I wear gloves? And is eating a post-game pork chop thus an abomination?
11. My uncle has a farm. Okay, not really, but for the sake of inquisition  let’s say he does.  And let’s say he violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife (my imaginary aunt) by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (polyester/cotton blend – not exactly the fabric of our lives).  What do we do with them?

You know, God, I have so many other questions for you, but I don’t wanna weigh you down with too much.  I mean, it IS Sunday, and as we all know, it’s your day of relaxing in the, uh, sun.

While I know your earthly mouthpieces have studied these things extensively as they have learned at your most divine feet, so far they ain’t answering. So I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that your word is eternal and unchanging.

I’ll be waiting on your response. But, please, take your time. No rush.

Love, Jeffrey~