I’m typing this post with one hand, because my other hand is consoling my no-no hole. It’s scared and confused after hearing this story.

This past Monday night, two cops in Indiana were on their normal patrol when they noticed a naked dude in the window of his home. The window’s blinds were not closed, so everyone could see the naked pepaw and his shriveled cucumber. The two cops approached the pepaw’s door, which was wide open. They went inside and discovered some fucked up shit. I mean, fucked up shit! Cover your a-hole when read the next part. You don’t want it to cry, because that will just make everything a mess.

The pepaw was on his sofa nailing himself in the ass with a claw hammer! The claw hammer was covered in a plastic bag and shoved up there. The cops also noticed some lube-type shit all over his genitals and nalgas. It was motor oil. Okay, let’s take a moment and think about this for a second. Now the police report didn’t say which part of the claw hammer was up his ass. Please don’t tell me it was the claw part, because my asshole will start bawling and I’m wearing my last clean pair of panties.

I mean, I’m all for sticking shit up your ass, whatever you gotta do to get yours, but damn! Pepaw is going to pull out a kidney or something.

He obviously has some sort of fetish for tools. I don’t even want to think about what he does with a hand brace or a sledgehammer. And what’s with the motor oil? Was his ass squeaky or something?

The pepaw was arrested for felony public indecency. He asked for a second chance, but the cops denied him when they found out he had a previous conviction for public indecency.

The cops also interviewed a neighbor lady who said he’s always naked in front of his window. She went on to say, “He does it 24/24. He’s not right.” Wait till she hears about the sexy things he can do with a claw hammer.